GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE • 1997

Lesbian-Gay-Bi Pride Guide

... And baby makes three

One lesbian couple's journey into parenthood

Bambi Bishop, rear, with M.J. and their daughter Emily.

by Bob Boone

Earlier this year, rocker Melissa Etheridge and her partner Julie Cypher made national headlines when they became the proud parents of a baby girl, Bailey Jean Cypher. Newsweek magazine did a cover story on gay families in November of last year, and reported being amazed by the volume of letters-both pro and con-that came in response to the story.

It is estimated that over 14 million children in America are members of gay and lesbian families, with the overwhelming majority of these children being raised by lesbi-

ans.

While courts are more frequently ruling that a parent's sexual orientation is not linked to fitness as a parent, gay dads and lesbian moms often feel they have to go even further than heterosexual parents to protect their children.

Bambi Bishop and her partner M.J. agreed to talk about the joys and concerns of lesbian parenthood, but several couples that had planned to be interviewed reluctantly pulled out at the last moment.

One mom said, "There are a lot of crazy, homophobic people out there, and you just never know." Another woman, who supports her family by working as a police officer, was fearful that inclusion in this story might out her on her job.

"As much as it hurts me that I can't talk about my family, I work in a city that has no protections for gay employees. I just can't risk it," she said.

So while we've made some progress, we still have work to do. On the occasion of Pride 1997, the Gay People's Chronicle salutes the mothers, fathers, grandparents,

aunts, uncles and chosen family members that are doing the wonderful, difficult, important, and life-giving work of raising the next generation of children.

Cleveland "The clocks were ticking, and if we were going to do this, we were going to have to start thinking about how we were going to do it,” Bambi Bishop said of her decision with her partner M.J. to become lesbian moms.

Armed with goldfish crackers, fruit snacks, and juice, Bishop brought her 20-month-old daughter Emily to the Arabica coffeehouse in Cleveland's Coventry area to talk about alternative families.

She recalled the process that she and her partner of 13 years went through to start their family. Only after much research and consideration did they finally decide to have a child. They then had to figure out whether to try to find a known donor or to use a sperm bank.

"We were fortunate enough to have a known, related donor volunteer," Bishop said. "So the child is related to both of us biologically."

With the donor on Bishop's side of the family, M.J. became the birth mother.

Next came the legal groundwork. Before conception, the couple had their donor agree to sign off his parental rights, and stipulate that this was purely a business transaction.

A whole new world

It was about three years ago now that Bishop and M.J. were able to begin the inseminations at home. Without a doctor's as-

sistance, they were able to save some consid-

erable costs.

Section B

"It took about six times and then we hit the jackpot," Bishop beamed as she watched Emily playing with her toys on the table.

"It's a whole new world where most of our friends are parents," Bishop exclaimed, adding that most of those parents are gay and lesbian parents.

"For some reason, we didn't feel like we fit in with the straight parents," she continued. "It didn't seem like they had the same concerns. A lot of things are the same when you're worried about potty-training, or eating, or sleeping, or something that's universal no matter what the parents are, who the parents are.

"The unique concerns we have are about finding support and affirmation in the community, what's it like to go through the medical system when you are an alternative family. And how are you received and how are you treated? Those are things that heterosexual families don't necessarily have to deal with. What you put down when there's no category for you. That sort of thing," Bishop said.

Other concerns led them to a second stage of legal action. In an attempt to secure some parental rights for Bishop if something were to happen to M.J., the couple drew up guardianship papers, powers of attorney, and wills.

"And even having all the precautions doesn't secure the family," Bishop lamented. “She could still be taken away.”

Dealing with society's attitudes

One thing that the couple has in their favor is support from their extended families, who have proven to be welcoming and encouraging of Emily.

"I'm sure both sides [of the family] have feelings about, in terms of safety, especially with her [Emily], and concerns about what's the life of our family going to be like when she becomes more a part of the world and is more exposed," Bishop said.

The couple raised these concerns between themselves in their initial decisions about having a child.

According to Bishop, they concluded, “If she has a safe place to come home to, that is nurturing and supportive and loving and caring, that she can deal with what goes on out there."

Dealing with what goes on out there and with being out is something gays and lesbians may have to deal with even more when they start a family.

"Your child actually makes you become visible," Bishop remarked.

She posed the questions to herself, "What's it like when you're standing in the grocery store and your child calls Mommy and Mama? And the people that are standing around you are like, 'What's that all about? Who's her real mother?' That's usually what they say. Well, she has two real mothers."

Visible or not, being out comes in stages and is based on circumstances.

M.J. is not out at work.

"Where she's located, she just felt it wouldn't be good. She wasn't ready to deal with that,” Bishop explained.

Bishop herself is out at her job as a psychotherapist. Her co-workers have been very supportive and even gave her baby shower gifts.

Bishop took an extra step into being out when she appeared as the first lesbian Mom of the Week on America Online's "Moms OnLine."

A photo of Bishop and Emily and their family story appeared on the computer service during the week of April 3-10. They drew 135 responses, more than any other Mom of the

Week has ever drawn. Of those, just sixteen were negative. Six suggested that Bishop and M.J. should do Emily a favor and give her up for adoption.

Bishop took heart in the other responses that criticized such remarks against her family.

"It was really very encouraging to see the number of responses that were really affirming," she said. "A number of straight parents said, 'I'm really glad my kids are growing up with yours.'

Gay family support group

Also growing up with Emily are other kids of lesbian and gay parents. Her family belongs to the Family Connection, a support group for gay and lesbian parents and their children.

The Family Connection meets once a month at parks, members' homes, zoos, restaurants, and ball games. Emily's is one of 41 families that form the only Ohio chapter of the group.

Bishop sees a definite advantage to kids in the group having the opportunity to play together.

"Most of their friends are going to come from straight families, and it's good for them to realize they're not alone. It validates their experience and it validates their family."

The group also gives parents a chance to share their own experiences and to learn more about where their rights really stand.

Co-parent adoption

An important topic for the parents this spring has been co-parent adoption, which gives legal parent rights to the non-biological parent. Having been briefed on the current state of Ohio's laws and policies, two of the families have recently petitioned in Portage County for co-parent adoption. Officials have yet to give any response.

It is a process that is both frustrating and expensive, about $10,000.

"For most of us, we started our families together as a couple," Bishop explained. "And not to have those rights and to have to fight for every step of the way to be recognized as a legitimate family, as having a right to be called a family, and having those privileges..."

Bishop is part of a family and a group that clearly marks the struggle of creating a gay family.

"I know that there are families out there that are isolated, that are insular because they have to for whatever reasons. They're concerned about custody battles if their children came from a heterosexual union. Or they're concerned about their job. Or they don't know how to reach out; they don't know what's out there."

To let those families know and to gain rights for their own families, the members of the Family Connection recognize their need to be visible.

But, as Bishop points out, it is not that easy. "If it was just me, that would be one thing. But now there's a whole new fear factor that comes in because you've got a child whose safety you have to concern yourself with. And how is that going to affect her? And it's unfortunate that we understand we need to go out and expose alternative families, and many of us want to do that, but there's so much to lose."

In the next few months, Bishop and M.J. will be trying to conceive a second child, with Bambi as the birth mother this time.